We’re Changing…

To anyone out there tuned in:

This blog was a test more than anything else. It will soon be resurrected in an entirely new format at an entirely new address.

Until then, spay and neuter your pets and don’t eat too much tuna (what with the mercury and all).

Thanks,

Us

Steve Jobs Takes iShit

CUPERTINO—Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs startled members of the press Tuesday when he dropped his pants on stage and defecated into what Jobs called the iPot.

The shiny, metallic toilet, conspicuously devoid of a lid or handle, drew gasps from onlookers.

“Today marks a new era,” Jobs said. “I’ve just taken the world’s first iShit.”

The pile of Jobs’ fecal matter, comprising chunks of guys like you and what appeared to be a Starbucks wrapper, was smartly shaped and odorless.

“The iPot will revolutionize the way we live and shit,” Jobs continued. “Imagine filing your taxes, ordering dinner, or visiting the gynecologist—all with your underwear around your ankles.”

Jobs then stood as the iPot flushed itself while playing Madonna’s “4 Minutes” and peppering Jobs’ buttocks with scented powder.

Initially, the iPot will come in an entry-level 1.6 gallon version ($3,995) and a more robust 3.5 gallon version ($4,995). However, the device will require homeowners to refit their homes with Apple-approved pipe.

Microsoft head Bill Gates will speak in Chicago next week, where he is expected to pee into a garbage pail outfitted with a typewriter and CB radio.

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Ashlee Simpson Dies on Stage, Nobody Notices

New Orleans. Pop singer Ashlee Simpson died on stage Monday night of a massive pulmonary embolism according to a janitor who discovered her body the next morning.

The pop tartlet, apparently known for such hits as “La La” and “Love Me for Me,” had just launched into an a capella rendition of “God Bless America” when she clutched her chest and slumped to the floor.

Crabby Bob’s Seafood Shack late-night janitor Clarence Simms said he discovered the former Ms. Simpson’s carcass around 3 a.m. as he was mopping the floors.

“I’d just finished wiping down the terlet and was moppin’ over yonder when I see her,” Simms said. “I couldn’t say who she was or how long she’d been there.”

“Ashlee Simpson’s pulmonary blood vessels were blocked by a clot, resulting in lack of oxygen to her tissues,” Dr. John Strauss said. “Hey-wasn’t that half-price shrimp night?”

Local resident James Walden was in the half-capacity Crabby Bob’s crowd when the singer floundered.

“I’m pretty sure I heard a thud,” Walden said. “It was sometime between that higher, screechy song and my second Jaeger Bomb.”

Simpson’s publicist said the death was an immense blow to family and fans, and that authorities were investigating.

Added Walden, “It happened which night, again?”

UC-Davis’s Creepy Man-Goats

File under News of the Weird:

SACRAMENTO, Calif.-University of California-Davis professor James Murray knows his experiments with human genes and goats give some people the creeps.

Crossing anything human with four-legged hoofers evokes images of mythical half-man, half-animal centaurs from ancient Greece.

In reality, genetically altered goats look and behave no differently than regular ones – both are just as eager to gnaw Murray’s sleeves and untie his shoes at the university goat barn.

“Could you get your grubby paws off?” Murray asked of his inquisitive test subjects during a recent tour.

Continue article

Admittedly Scary

Here are the top search engine phrases used to find this blog, in order of popularity (highest to lowest). Apparently I grossly underestimated the media storm that is New Kids on the Block.

Come on, people? Are you all really looking for gay Asian NKOTB members? Where are all the funny doctors, hilarious nurses, and marginally clever PAs?

5 Ways to Make Your Eyes Bleed

In horror movies, people bleed from their eyes like bloody eyeballs are going out of style. Turns out, bleeding from your eyes isn’t so easy to accomplish. Here are a few tips that, along with a little determination, might help:

1. Trauma. An errant fast pitch or direct roundhouse kick to the orbs should get your peepers squirting in no time.
2. Anticoagulants. Drugs like coumadin thin the blood and reduce clotting-they’re fun, but don’t wear a white shirt!
3. Tune-in to an all-new Gilmore Girls.
4. Vitamin K deficiency. Steer clear of the “K” and your eyes will be gushing in a jiffy.
5. Zombie bites. Failing all else, a playful nibble from the undead will get your eyes all red, if you know what we mean!

The above post is a joke. For the love of God, please do not run off and start messing with your eyeballs.

Free Viagara! Chilean Capital Gets Firm

We at Admittedly Funny sometimes stretch the truth, but we swear we’re not making this up.

A Chilean suburb recently started handing out free viagara—yes, free—to the shocked-yet-flaccid townsmen.

The town’s perverted mayor explained, “an active sexuality improves the overall quality of life.”

Local elderly men reportedly replied in deep, velvety voices, “Awwwww yeeeah.”

To the horror of everyone in town under 60, eligible men may receive up to four free pills each month, enough to whip up a tasty batch of granny-love stew every weekend.

Area orthopaedic surgeons are gearing up for the expected influx of hip replacements necessitated by the up-tick in freaky, freaky boot knocking.

In case you still doubt Old People Are Funny.

Ask F*cked-Up Dr. Charles

Welcome to Ask F*cked-Up Dr. Charles, where real readers have their important medical questions answered by a board certified, extraordinarily intoxicated doctor of medicine.

Dear F*cked-Up Dr. Charles,
I’m a professional woman in my early 50s suffering from incontinence. Do you have any words of advice?

Anne in Ann Arbor

Dear AAA,
First, let me say that, like Prince, I Feel 4 U. Simply put, this embarrassing malady causes one to lose urine from the bladder when such loss isn’t desirable. You may experience frequent bed-wetting or the occasional dribble when you jump, laugh, or cough.

No matter how you slice it, AAA, you’re peeing your pants and it’s f*cking funny. In my professional opinion, your pants-pissing problem exists solely for the amusement of others, especially me. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I—

Sorry, I just peed a little.

Dear F*cked-Up Dr. Charles,
I’m a guy in my mid-thirties with abnormally large breasts. Something seems wrong with my metabolism. Can you help?

Busty in Fergus Falls

Dear BFF,
Immediately, the diagnosis of Cushing’s syndrome comes to mind. With this syndrome, your pituitary or adrenal glands are overactive and make excessive amounts of steroid.

To make it easy, just think “more Cushin’ for the pushin’.” Holla!!

While this syndrome can and should be embarrassing, men suffering Cushing’s syndrome can lead full and satisfying lives–especially in prison, where they often fetch as many as four cartons of Newports!

We’ve talked a lot here about your oversized breasts, BFF, but I think a more important question is, how are your nipples? Nickel-size? Quarter? Anything beyond that is just nasty and you should consider plastic surgery.

If you need somebody to have a look at them, I’m free tonight.

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