Ask F*cked-Up Dr. Charles

Welcome to Ask F*cked-Up Dr. Charles, where real readers have their important medical questions answered by a board certified, extraordinarily intoxicated doctor of medicine.

Dear F*cked-Up Dr. Charles,
I’m a professional woman in my early 50s suffering from incontinence. Do you have any words of advice?

Anne in Ann Arbor

Dear AAA,
First, let me say that, like Prince, I Feel 4 U. Simply put, this embarrassing malady causes one to lose urine from the bladder when such loss isn’t desirable. You may experience frequent bed-wetting or the occasional dribble when you jump, laugh, or cough.

No matter how you slice it, AAA, you’re peeing your pants and it’s f*cking funny. In my professional opinion, your pants-pissing problem exists solely for the amusement of others, especially me. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I—

Sorry, I just peed a little.

Dear F*cked-Up Dr. Charles,
I’m a guy in my mid-thirties with abnormally large breasts. Something seems wrong with my metabolism. Can you help?

Busty in Fergus Falls

Dear BFF,
Immediately, the diagnosis of Cushing’s syndrome comes to mind. With this syndrome, your pituitary or adrenal glands are overactive and make excessive amounts of steroid.

To make it easy, just think “more Cushin’ for the pushin’.” Holla!!

While this syndrome can and should be embarrassing, men suffering Cushing’s syndrome can lead full and satisfying lives–especially in prison, where they often fetch as many as four cartons of Newports!

We’ve talked a lot here about your oversized breasts, BFF, but I think a more important question is, how are your nipples? Nickel-size? Quarter? Anything beyond that is just nasty and you should consider plastic surgery.

If you need somebody to have a look at them, I’m free tonight.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::