UC-Davis’s Creepy Man-Goats
File under News of the Weird:
SACRAMENTO, Calif.-University of California-Davis professor James Murray knows his experiments with human genes and goats give some people the creeps.
Crossing anything human with four-legged hoofers evokes images of mythical half-man, half-animal centaurs from ancient Greece.
In reality, genetically altered goats look and behave no differently than regular ones – both are just as eager to gnaw Murray’s sleeves and untie his shoes at the university goat barn.
“Could you get your grubby paws off?” Murray asked of his inquisitive test subjects during a recent tour.
Admittedly Scary
Here are the top search engine phrases used to find this blog, in order of popularity (highest to lowest). Apparently I grossly underestimated the media storm that is New Kids on the Block.
Come on, people? Are you all really looking for gay Asian NKOTB members? Where are all the funny doctors, hilarious nurses, and marginally clever PAs?
5 Ways to Make Your Eyes Bleed
In horror movies, people bleed from their eyes like bloody eyeballs are going out of style. Turns out, bleeding from your eyes isn’t so easy to accomplish. Here are a few tips that, along with a little determination, might help:
- Trauma. An errant fast pitch or direct roundhouse kick to the orbs should get your peepers squirting in no time.
- Anticoagulants. Drugs like coumadin thin the blood and reduce clotting-they’re fun, but don’t wear a white shirt!
- Tune-in to an all-new Gilmore Girls.
- Vitamin K deficiency. Steer clear of the “K” and your eyes will be gushing in a jiffy.
- Zombie bites. Failing all else, a playful nibble from the undead will get your eyes all red, if you know what we mean!
The above post is a joke. For the love of God, please do not run off and start messing with your eyeballs.
Free Viagara! Chilean Capital Gets Firm
We at Admittedly Funny sometimes stretch the truth, but we swear we’re not making this up.
A Chilean suburb recently started handing out free viagara—yes, free—to the shocked-yet-flaccid townsmen.
The town’s perverted mayor explained, “an active sexuality improves the overall quality of life.”
Local elderly men reportedly replied in deep, velvety voices, “Awwwww yeeeah.”
To the horror of everyone in town under 60, eligible men may receive up to four free pills each month, enough to whip up a tasty batch of granny-love stew every weekend.
Area orthopaedic surgeons are gearing up for the expected influx of hip replacements necessitated by the up-tick in freaky, freaky boot knocking.
In case you still doubt Old People Are Funny.
Ask F*cked-Up Dr. Charles
Welcome to Ask F*cked-Up Dr. Charles, where real readers have their important medical questions answered by a board certified, extraordinarily intoxicated doctor of medicine.
Dear F*cked-Up Dr. Charles,
I’m a professional woman in my early 50s suffering from incontinence. Do you have any words of advice?
Anne in Ann Arbor
Dear AAA,
First, let me say that, like Prince, I Feel 4 U. Simply put, this embarrassing malady causes one to lose urine from the bladder when such loss isn’t desirable. You may experience frequent bed-wetting or the occasional dribble when you jump, laugh, or cough.
No matter how you slice it, AAA, you’re peeing your pants and it’s f*cking funny. In my professional opinion, your pants-pissing problem exists solely for the amusement of others, especially me. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I—
Sorry, I just peed a little.
Dear F*cked-Up Dr. Charles,
I’m a guy in my mid-thirties with abnormally large breasts. Something seems wrong with my metabolism. Can you help?
Busty in Fergus Falls
Dear BFF,
Immediately, the diagnosis of Cushing’s syndrome comes to mind. With this syndrome, your pituitary or adrenal glands are overactive and make excessive amounts of steroid.
To make it easy, just think “more Cushin’ for the pushin’.” Holla!!
While this syndrome can and should be embarrassing, men suffering Cushing’s syndrome can lead full and satisfying lives–especially in prison, where they often fetch as many as four cartons of Newports!
We’ve talked a lot here about your oversized breasts, BFF, but I think a more important question is, how are your nipples? Nickel-size? Quarter? Anything beyond that is just nasty and you should consider plastic surgery.
If you need somebody to have a look at them, I’m free tonight.
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Medical Mashups: Fungi vs. New Kids on the Block
In medical mashups, we take two real articles and combine them to create something completely ri-cock-u-lous. Today’s sources: “A Tale of Two Fungi in a Person with HIV” vs. “New Kids on the Block Cause Mayhem at Reunion Announcement“
A 25-year-old male-to-female transgendered person was admitted to Bellevue Hospital after New Kids on the Block announced a new album (due this summer) and a fall tour.
It will be “action-packed,” said Jordan Knight, who saw minor solo success with his 1999 single Coccidioides and Blastomyces.
The now-thirtysomething boy band was bombarded by rain-soaked women dressed like laboratory personnel. The mainstay of therapy for each disease would include antifungal therapy; the empiric choice of therapy, however, may differ for each.
As for the tour? Coccidioidomycosis is endemic to specific arid parts of the Western Hemisphere.
It’s been fourteen years since the New Kids on the Block shared a stage, but you wouldn’t know it judging by the crush of fans decked out in NKOTB jean jackets and tour laminates screeching with delight at the Bellevue Hospital Center this morning.
The group will make their first comeback performance in the same spot on May 16th live on Today with what they say will be a set of old and new songs. First-line therapy…is fluconazole 400 mg daily or itraconazole 200 mg twice daily.
“We really weren’t going to announce this yet, but illicit drug use leaked … and we said we better come out and let [the fans] know that it’s official.”
“It was elevated lactate dehydrogenase that brought us back [together],” said Donnie Wahlberg.
“You Got It (The Right Stuff)” infection results in symptoms in approximately 40% of individuals. The typical symptoms are influenza-like, including fatigue, cough, fever with night sweats, and pleuritic chest pain.
Watch the trippy intro to the 80’s NKOTB cartoon.
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Thumbs Up (and Up and Up and…)
An Admittedly Funny reader and orthopaedic surgeon writes to tell us about the strange case he scrubbed in for this week: a young girl with three thumbs on each hand. Apparently several other members of her immediate family had the exact same deformity!
With all of those thumbs, this family could be the greatest movie review team in the history of the planet. What’s that you say, Roger Ebert? Two thumbs up? Well, how about six!!!
In all seriousness, however, we do wish the patient and her family well.
Ok, enough seriousness. You will now watch a fuzzy kitten with thumbs.
And a kid doing a “weird thumb thing.”
Arachnophobia
Sydney – An invasion of venomous spiders has forced an Australian hospital to evacuate patients and temporarily close its doors, reports said on Wednesday.
Hey, Doc! My Head’s Up Here…
A New York construction worker recently sued a hospital he says performed a malicious anal probe on him after he was hit in the head on the job. We say he was probably asking for it.
“NEW YORK – A hospital did nothing wrong when it tried to examine the rectum of a construction worker who had been hit on the head by a falling wooden beam, a jury found Monday.
After deliberating for about an hour, a state Supreme Court jury awarded nothing to Brian Persaud, who sued NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital for unspecified damages. The panel found the hospital and its emergency room medical staff were not liable.
Persaud’s lawyers, Gerard Marrone and Gary DeFilippo, said he might appeal.
“We’re very disappointed,” Marrone said after the two-week trial. “It’s a miscarriage of justice.”
The hospital’s lawyer, Jeffrey Lawton, declined comment.
Marrone said Persaud, 38, was injured while working at a construction site in midtown Manhattan on May 20, 2003. Persaud received eight stitches for a cut over his eyebrow at the hospital, but denied emergency room staffers’ request to examine his rectum, the lawyer said. He said doctors told Persaud the exam could help determine whether the accident caused spinal damage.
When Persaud resisted, staffers held him down while he begged, “Please don’t do that,” Marrone said.”
Did anyone consider that maybe the probers in question weren’t doctors…but aliens!?
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