Hey, Doc! My Head’s Up Here…

A New York construction worker recently sued a hospital he says performed a malicious anal probe on him after he was hit in the head on the job. We say he was probably asking for it.

“NEW YORK – A hospital did nothing wrong when it tried to examine the rectum of a construction worker who had been hit on the head by a falling wooden beam, a jury found Monday.

After deliberating for about an hour, a state Supreme Court jury awarded nothing to Brian Persaud, who sued NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital for unspecified damages. The panel found the hospital and its emergency room medical staff were not liable.

Persaud’s lawyers, Gerard Marrone and Gary DeFilippo, said he might appeal.

“We’re very disappointed,” Marrone said after the two-week trial. “It’s a miscarriage of justice.”

The hospital’s lawyer, Jeffrey Lawton, declined comment.

Marrone said Persaud, 38, was injured while working at a construction site in midtown Manhattan on May 20, 2003. Persaud received eight stitches for a cut over his eyebrow at the hospital, but denied emergency room staffers’ request to examine his rectum, the lawyer said. He said doctors told Persaud the exam could help determine whether the accident caused spinal damage.

When Persaud resisted, staffers held him down while he begged, “Please don’t do that,” Marrone said.”

Read full article.

Did anyone consider that maybe the probers in question weren’t doctors…but aliens!?

Japan’s Un-P.C. Band-Aid

Randy the Excitable Intern found this photographic gem of an actual Japanese band-aid package over at Engrish.com (great site).

Why Randy was surfing the web when he should have been doing my dictations backlogged from ‘04 is beyond me, but rest assured–it will be dealt with swiftly and without mercy.

What’s that you say? You want to read the history of the Band-Aid?

Knock yourself out.

Space Invaders: My Trip to Great Clips

by Dr. Bob.

I saw a sign on the way home from the hospital last night: Haircut Sale $7.99. Being that I’m getting a tad scruffy around the edges (not to mention grey) and one heck of a bargain shopper, I decided to stop in. Big mistake.

The scene when I entered was not unlike a prison scene from Planet of the Apes. Small, unwashed children hung from the fixtures. Grown men wore cell phones on the hips of stonewashed jeans. The infirm hobbled in on crutches or rode in on gurneys, I.V. drips and all.

While my first instinct was to run and never come back, my quest for the perfect bargain got the better of me.

I checked in with the pockmarked cashier and sheepishly took my seat.

Instantly, they were upon me. A tiny Latina girl toddled over, a chapped red ring around her lips, and sneezed what may well have been diphtheria all over my shirt.

An overweight woman in a tube top sat next to me, occupying what small personal space I’d had left.

The Rosacea of the booze soaked gentleman to my right perfectly matched the bright red canisters of hair gel the stylists tried to sell people as they left.

“Really,” one of them told a 60-year-old woman. “This is totally you.”

At that point, I buried my nose and breathed through my t-shirt until at last they called my name. I believe at some point the little Latina girl actually had her hands in my mouth.

When it was my turn, a gay Asian (or “Gaysian”) kid named Flip masterfully sculpted my hair into a pseudo-80s college professor/angry lesbian kind of thing. Think business up front, party in the back.

I don’t know…I might keep it.

Medical Terminology: Blonde Edition

Artery — Study of paintings
Barium — What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel — Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section — District in Rome
Cauterize — Made eye contact with her
Colic — Sheep dog
Coma — A punctuation mark
Congenital — Friendly
D&C — Where Washington is
Diarrhea — Journal of daily events
Dilate — To live long
Enema — Not a friend
Fester — Quicker
Fibula — A small lie
G.I. Series — Soldiers’ ball game
Impotent — Distinguished, well known
Intense pain — Torture in a teepee
Labor pain — Got hurt at work
Medical staff — Doctor’s cane
Morbid — Higher offer
Nitrate — Cheaper than day rate
Node — Was aware of
Outpatient — Person who had fainted
Post operative — Letter carrier
Rectum — It almost killed him
Recovery room — Place to do upholstery
Scar — Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion — Hiding anything
Seizure — Roman emperor
Tablet — Small table
Terminal illness — Sickness at airport
Tibia — Country in North Africa
Tumor — An extra pair
Urine — Opposite of you’re out
Varicose — Located nearby
Vein — Conceited

Are blondes more fun? Not according to the Daily Mail…

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Is that a butter knife in your skull or are you just happy to see me?

An unfortunate Vancouver lad recently wound up with a butter knife in his head after a friend used him for target practice.

The knife struck young Tyler Hemmert after his friend deftly ducked the stainless steel widowmaker. Another boy threw the implement (it is not known what lunchtime delicacy he’d been using it to spread) after he became angry with the boys.

Luckily for Hemmert, the knife lodged itself between his scalp and skull.

“I could see the handle of the butter knife sticking out,” he said. “That’s when I freaked out.”

Read more.

Watch the video.