UC-Davis’s Creepy Man-Goats

File under News of the Weird:

SACRAMENTO, Calif.-University of California-Davis professor James Murray knows his experiments with human genes and goats give some people the creeps.

Crossing anything human with four-legged hoofers evokes images of mythical half-man, half-animal centaurs from ancient Greece.

In reality, genetically altered goats look and behave no differently than regular ones – both are just as eager to gnaw Murray’s sleeves and untie his shoes at the university goat barn.

“Could you get your grubby paws off?” Murray asked of his inquisitive test subjects during a recent tour.

Continue article

Free Viagara! Chilean Capital Gets Firm

We at Admittedly Funny sometimes stretch the truth, but we swear we’re not making this up.

A Chilean suburb recently started handing out free viagara—yes, free—to the shocked-yet-flaccid townsmen.

The town’s perverted mayor explained, “an active sexuality improves the overall quality of life.”

Local elderly men reportedly replied in deep, velvety voices, “Awwwww yeeeah.”

To the horror of everyone in town under 60, eligible men may receive up to four free pills each month, enough to whip up a tasty batch of granny-love stew every weekend.

Area orthopaedic surgeons are gearing up for the expected influx of hip replacements necessitated by the up-tick in freaky, freaky boot knocking.

In case you still doubt Old People Are Funny.

Medical Mashups: Fungi vs. New Kids on the Block

In medical mashups, we take two real articles and combine them to create something completely ri-cock-u-lous. Today’s sources: “A Tale of Two Fungi in a Person with HIV” vs. “New Kids on the Block Cause Mayhem at Reunion Announcement”

A 25-year-old male-to-female transgendered person was admitted to Bellevue Hospital after New Kids on the Block announced a new album (due this summer) and a fall tour.

It will be “action-packed,” said Jordan Knight, who saw minor solo success with his 1999 single Coccidioides and Blastomyces.

The now-thirtysomething boy band was bombarded by rain-soaked women dressed like laboratory personnel. The mainstay of therapy for each disease would include antifungal therapy; the empiric choice of therapy, however, may differ for each.

As for the tour? Coccidioidomycosis is endemic to specific arid parts of the Western Hemisphere.

It’s been fourteen years since the New Kids on the Block shared a stage, but you wouldn’t know it judging by the crush of fans decked out in NKOTB jean jackets and tour laminates screeching with delight at the Bellevue Hospital Center this morning.

The group will make their first comeback performance in the same spot on May 16th live on Today with what they say will be a set of old and new songs. First-line therapy…is fluconazole 400 mg daily or itraconazole 200 mg twice daily.

“We really weren’t going to announce this yet, but illicit drug use leaked … and we said we better come out and let [the fans] know that it’s official.”

“It was elevated lactate dehydrogenase that brought us back [together],” said Donnie Wahlberg.

“You Got It (The Right Stuff)” infection results in symptoms in approximately 40% of individuals. The typical symptoms are influenza-like, including fatigue, cough, fever with night sweats, and pleuritic chest pain.

Watch the trippy intro to the 80’s NKOTB cartoon.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Thumbs Up (and Up and Up and…)

An Admittedly Funny reader and orthopaedic surgeon writes to tell us about the strange case he scrubbed in for this week: a young girl with three thumbs on each hand. Apparently several other members of her immediate family had the exact same deformity!

With all of those thumbs, this family could be the greatest movie review team in the history of the planet.  What’s that you say, Roger Ebert? Two thumbs up? Well, how about six!!!

In all seriousness, however, we do wish the patient and her family well.

Ok, enough seriousness. You will now watch a fuzzy kitten with thumbs.

And a kid doing a “weird thumb thing.”

Arachnophobia

Sydney – An invasion of venomous spiders has forced an Australian hospital to evacuate patients and temporarily close its doors, reports said on Wednesday.

Read article.

From the epic 1990 film Arachnophobia…

Hey, Doc! My Head’s Up Here…

A New York construction worker recently sued a hospital he says performed a malicious anal probe on him after he was hit in the head on the job. We say he was probably asking for it.

“NEW YORK – A hospital did nothing wrong when it tried to examine the rectum of a construction worker who had been hit on the head by a falling wooden beam, a jury found Monday.

After deliberating for about an hour, a state Supreme Court jury awarded nothing to Brian Persaud, who sued NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital for unspecified damages. The panel found the hospital and its emergency room medical staff were not liable.

Persaud’s lawyers, Gerard Marrone and Gary DeFilippo, said he might appeal.

“We’re very disappointed,” Marrone said after the two-week trial. “It’s a miscarriage of justice.”

The hospital’s lawyer, Jeffrey Lawton, declined comment.

Marrone said Persaud, 38, was injured while working at a construction site in midtown Manhattan on May 20, 2003. Persaud received eight stitches for a cut over his eyebrow at the hospital, but denied emergency room staffers’ request to examine his rectum, the lawyer said. He said doctors told Persaud the exam could help determine whether the accident caused spinal damage.

When Persaud resisted, staffers held him down while he begged, “Please don’t do that,” Marrone said.”

Read full article.

Did anyone consider that maybe the probers in question weren’t doctors…but aliens!?

I’ll Show You an Aging Suit!

by Dr. Clarence Kremarczak

So, these nitwits over in Japan have created an “aging suit,” a device that lets young jackass engineers feel just like real, genuine old farts. Well, whoopee for them! If they wanted to know what it was like to get old, they could have just called me and saved their million dollars to buy Pokeymen or whatever it is they do over there.

The article says the old-suits “simulate the bad balance, stiff joints, weaker eyesight and extra five kilograms (11lbs) that may accompany senior citizenry.”

May accompany senior citizenry? May accompany? Christ, my goiter alone weighs 11 pounds. I wish a couple of those candy-ass car twits would stop by my place—I’d show them all of the above plus a couple of cataracts, an unidentifiable nutsack rash and a hellacious case of hemorrhoids. Then I’d kick the fairies in their willies for good measure and send them back to their rice paddies to warn the others.

Chief designer Etsuhiro Watanabe says the suit can simulate trouble lifting arms and back pain.

Let me tell you something, Mr. Etsu-zuki-okinowa: you don’t know from back pain! I’ve suffered this damned herniated disc for decades without complaint. Go get yourself a real name and come back when you’re ready to run with the big boys.

This article is outrageous…I’m through talking about it. I’m gonna go soak my sore American feet like a man and leave all you pansies out there to your iPods.

Is that a butter knife in your skull or are you just happy to see me?

An unfortunate Vancouver lad recently wound up with a butter knife in his head after a friend used him for target practice.

The knife struck young Tyler Hemmert after his friend deftly ducked the stainless steel widowmaker. Another boy threw the implement (it is not known what lunchtime delicacy he’d been using it to spread) after he became angry with the boys.

Luckily for Hemmert, the knife lodged itself between his scalp and skull.

“I could see the handle of the butter knife sticking out,” he said. “That’s when I freaked out.”

Read more.

Watch the video.

Congratulations! It’s a…Bathroom

Like Law and Order, we’ve ripped another tantalizing tidbit from the headlines.

File this under News of the Weird: A Peruvian woman gave birth this week to a bubbly baby boy–in a hospital bathroom.

Apparently the woman was forced to wait for over two hours to see her doctor before taking things into her own hands…or stall.

The sheepish Chilean government was forced to offer a public apology on behalf of the dawdling hospital.

Read the story here.

In other odd-birth news, check out this video detailing the birth of an 18-inch baby to a 28-inch mom!