Steve Jobs Takes iShit

CUPERTINO—Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs startled members of the press Tuesday when he dropped his pants on stage and defecated into what Jobs called the iPot.

The shiny, metallic toilet, conspicuously devoid of a lid or handle, drew gasps from onlookers.

“Today marks a new era,” Jobs said. “I’ve just taken the world’s first iShit.”

The pile of Jobs’ fecal matter, comprising chunks of guys like you and what appeared to be a Starbucks wrapper, was smartly shaped and odorless.

“The iPot will revolutionize the way we live and shit,” Jobs continued. “Imagine filing your taxes, ordering dinner, or visiting the gynecologist—all with your underwear around your ankles.”

Jobs then stood as the iPot flushed itself while playing Madonna’s “4 Minutes” and peppering Jobs’ buttocks with scented powder.

Initially, the iPot will come in an entry-level 1.6 gallon version ($3,995) and a more robust 3.5 gallon version ($4,995). However, the device will require homeowners to refit their homes with Apple-approved pipe.

Microsoft head Bill Gates will speak in Chicago next week, where he is expected to pee into a garbage pail outfitted with a typewriter and CB radio.

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Ashlee Simpson Dies on Stage, Nobody Notices

New Orleans. Pop singer Ashlee Simpson died on stage Monday night of a massive pulmonary embolism according to a janitor who discovered her body the next morning.

The pop tartlet, apparently known for such hits as “La La” and “Love Me for Me,” had just launched into an a capella rendition of “God Bless America” when she clutched her chest and slumped to the floor.

Crabby Bob’s Seafood Shack late-night janitor Clarence Simms said he discovered the former Ms. Simpson’s carcass around 3 a.m. as he was mopping the floors.

“I’d just finished wiping down the terlet and was moppin’ over yonder when I see her,” Simms said. “I couldn’t say who she was or how long she’d been there.”

“Ashlee Simpson’s pulmonary blood vessels were blocked by a clot, resulting in lack of oxygen to her tissues,” Dr. John Strauss said. “Hey-wasn’t that half-price shrimp night?”

Local resident James Walden was in the half-capacity Crabby Bob’s crowd when the singer floundered.

“I’m pretty sure I heard a thud,” Walden said. “It was sometime between that higher, screechy song and my second Jaeger Bomb.”

Simpson’s publicist said the death was an immense blow to family and fans, and that authorities were investigating.

Added Walden, “It happened which night, again?”