We’re Changing…

To anyone out there tuned in:

This blog was a test more than anything else. It will soon be resurrected in an entirely new format at an entirely new address.

Until then, spay and neuter your pets and don’t eat too much tuna (what with the mercury and all).

Thanks,

Us

UC-Davis’s Creepy Man-Goats

File under News of the Weird:

SACRAMENTO, Calif.-University of California-Davis professor James Murray knows his experiments with human genes and goats give some people the creeps.

Crossing anything human with four-legged hoofers evokes images of mythical half-man, half-animal centaurs from ancient Greece.

In reality, genetically altered goats look and behave no differently than regular ones – both are just as eager to gnaw Murray’s sleeves and untie his shoes at the university goat barn.

“Could you get your grubby paws off?” Murray asked of his inquisitive test subjects during a recent tour.

Continue article

Ask F*cked-Up Dr. Charles

Welcome to Ask F*cked-Up Dr. Charles, where real readers have their important medical questions answered by a board certified, extraordinarily intoxicated doctor of medicine.

Dear F*cked-Up Dr. Charles,
I’m a professional woman in my early 50s suffering from incontinence. Do you have any words of advice?

Anne in Ann Arbor

Dear AAA,
First, let me say that, like Prince, I Feel 4 U. Simply put, this embarrassing malady causes one to lose urine from the bladder when such loss isn’t desirable. You may experience frequent bed-wetting or the occasional dribble when you jump, laugh, or cough.

No matter how you slice it, AAA, you’re peeing your pants and it’s f*cking funny. In my professional opinion, your pants-pissing problem exists solely for the amusement of others, especially me. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I—

Sorry, I just peed a little.

Dear F*cked-Up Dr. Charles,
I’m a guy in my mid-thirties with abnormally large breasts. Something seems wrong with my metabolism. Can you help?

Busty in Fergus Falls

Dear BFF,
Immediately, the diagnosis of Cushing’s syndrome comes to mind. With this syndrome, your pituitary or adrenal glands are overactive and make excessive amounts of steroid.

To make it easy, just think “more Cushin’ for the pushin’.” Holla!!

While this syndrome can and should be embarrassing, men suffering Cushing’s syndrome can lead full and satisfying lives–especially in prison, where they often fetch as many as four cartons of Newports!

We’ve talked a lot here about your oversized breasts, BFF, but I think a more important question is, how are your nipples? Nickel-size? Quarter? Anything beyond that is just nasty and you should consider plastic surgery.

If you need somebody to have a look at them, I’m free tonight.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Medical Mashups: Fungi vs. New Kids on the Block

In medical mashups, we take two real articles and combine them to create something completely ri-cock-u-lous. Today’s sources: “A Tale of Two Fungi in a Person with HIV” vs. “New Kids on the Block Cause Mayhem at Reunion Announcement“

A 25-year-old male-to-female transgendered person was admitted to Bellevue Hospital after New Kids on the Block announced a new album (due this summer) and a fall tour.

It will be “action-packed,” said Jordan Knight, who saw minor solo success with his 1999 single Coccidioides and Blastomyces.

The now-thirtysomething boy band was bombarded by rain-soaked women dressed like laboratory personnel. The mainstay of therapy for each disease would include antifungal therapy; the empiric choice of therapy, however, may differ for each.

As for the tour? Coccidioidomycosis is endemic to specific arid parts of the Western Hemisphere.

It’s been fourteen years since the New Kids on the Block shared a stage, but you wouldn’t know it judging by the crush of fans decked out in NKOTB jean jackets and tour laminates screeching with delight at the Bellevue Hospital Center this morning.

The group will make their first comeback performance in the same spot on May 16th live on Today with what they say will be a set of old and new songs. First-line therapy…is fluconazole 400 mg daily or itraconazole 200 mg twice daily.

“We really weren’t going to announce this yet, but illicit drug use leaked … and we said we better come out and let [the fans] know that it’s official.”

“It was elevated lactate dehydrogenase that brought us back [together],” said Donnie Wahlberg.

“You Got It (The Right Stuff)” infection results in symptoms in approximately 40% of individuals. The typical symptoms are influenza-like, including fatigue, cough, fever with night sweats, and pleuritic chest pain.

Watch the trippy intro to the 80’s NKOTB cartoon.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Off the Charts

Admittedly Funny brings you more medical humor, straight from actual patient charts.

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Speaking of depression, check out this slightly skewed public service announcement.