by Dr. Bob.
I saw a sign on the way home from the hospital last night: Haircut Sale $7.99. Being that I’m getting a tad scruffy around the edges (not to mention grey) and one heck of a bargain shopper, I decided to stop in. Big mistake.
The scene when I entered was not unlike a prison scene from Planet of the Apes. Small, unwashed children hung from the fixtures. Grown men wore cell phones on the hips of stonewashed jeans. The infirm hobbled in on crutches or rode in on gurneys, I.V. drips and all.
While my first instinct was to run and never come back, my quest for the perfect bargain got the better of me.
I checked in with the pockmarked cashier and sheepishly took my seat.
Instantly, they were upon me. A tiny Latina girl toddled over, a chapped red ring around her lips, and sneezed what may well have been diphtheria all over my shirt.
An overweight woman in a tube top sat next to me, occupying what small personal space I’d had left.
The Rosacea of the booze soaked gentleman to my right perfectly matched the bright red canisters of hair gel the stylists tried to sell people as they left.
“Really,” one of them told a 60-year-old woman. “This is totally you.”
At that point, I buried my nose and breathed through my t-shirt until at last they called my name. I believe at some point the little Latina girl actually had her hands in my mouth.
When it was my turn, a gay Asian (or “Gaysian”) kid named Flip masterfully sculpted my hair into a pseudo-80s college professor/angry lesbian kind of thing. Think business up front, party in the back.
I don’t know…I might keep it.
Artery — Study of paintings
Barium — What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel — Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section — District in Rome
Cauterize — Made eye contact with her
Colic — Sheep dog
Coma — A punctuation mark
Congenital — Friendly
D&C — Where Washington is
Diarrhea — Journal of daily events
Dilate — To live long
Enema — Not a friend
Fester — Quicker
Fibula — A small lie
G.I. Series — Soldiers’ ball game
Impotent — Distinguished, well known
Intense pain — Torture in a teepee
Labor pain — Got hurt at work
Medical staff — Doctor’s cane
Morbid — Higher offer
Nitrate — Cheaper than day rate
Node — Was aware of
Outpatient — Person who had fainted
Post operative — Letter carrier
Rectum — It almost killed him
Recovery room — Place to do upholstery
Scar — Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion — Hiding anything
Seizure — Roman emperor
Tablet — Small table
Terminal illness — Sickness at airport
Tibia — Country in North Africa
Tumor — An extra pair
Urine — Opposite of you’re out
Varicose — Located nearby
Vein — Conceited
Are blondes more fun? Not according to the Daily Mail…
An unfortunate Vancouver lad recently wound up with a butter knife in his head after a friend used him for target practice.
The knife struck young Tyler Hemmert after his friend deftly ducked the stainless steel widowmaker. Another boy threw the implement (it is not known what lunchtime delicacy he’d been using it to spread) after he became angry with the boys.
Luckily for Hemmert, the knife lodged itself between his scalp and skull.
“I could see the handle of the butter knife sticking out,” he said. “That’s when I freaked out.”
Today’s slices of medical humor are cut straight from actual medical charts and served up hot for your enjoyment. Here are today’s top five:
Patient presents with rapid breathing, and heartbeat that lasts most of the day.
Patient complains of pain in his penis, which extends into his thigh.
The patient is a 48-year-old female who complains of headaches when her husband is in the room.
The patient says antibiotic does not work as she has never taken it.
The patient complains of urinary blockage, urinates frequently.
Remember this? It’s our favorite medical commercial.
A woman was having a medical problem–her husband was snoring. She called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her suffering.
“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”
“My goodness!” the woman exclaimed, “it sounds like leasing a new sports car!”
“Hmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, eh?”
Like Law and Order, we’ve ripped another tantalizing tidbit from the headlines.
File this under News of the Weird: A Peruvian woman gave birth this week to a bubbly baby boy–in a hospital bathroom.
Apparently the woman was forced to wait for over two hours to see her doctor before taking things into her own hands…or stall.
The sheepish Chilean government was forced to offer a public apology on behalf of the dawdling hospital.
In other odd-birth news, check out this video detailing the birth of an 18-inch baby to a 28-inch mom!
Good day, one and all.
We hope you’ll bear with us as we get this blog–devoted to medical humor and doctor jokes for and by the doctors, nurses, residents, and other medical personnel we depend on–on its feet.
Here you’ll find all things medical humor, from personal accounts and jokes to videos and strange medical news from around the globe.
That said, sit tight, enjoy the content, and remember to check back often.