I’ll Show You an Aging Suit!

by Dr. Clarence Kremarczak

So, these nitwits over in Japan have created an “aging suit,” a device that lets young jackass engineers feel just like real, genuine old farts. Well, whoopee for them! If they wanted to know what it was like to get old, they could have just called me and saved their million dollars to buy Pokeymen or whatever it is they do over there.

The article says the old-suits “simulate the bad balance, stiff joints, weaker eyesight and extra five kilograms (11lbs) that may accompany senior citizenry.”

May accompany senior citizenry? May accompany? Christ, my goiter alone weighs 11 pounds. I wish a couple of those candy-ass car twits would stop by my place—I’d show them all of the above plus a couple of cataracts, an unidentifiable nutsack rash and a hellacious case of hemorrhoids. Then I’d kick the fairies in their willies for good measure and send them back to their rice paddies to warn the others.

Chief designer Etsuhiro Watanabe says the suit can simulate trouble lifting arms and back pain.

Let me tell you something, Mr. Etsu-zuki-okinowa: you don’t know from back pain! I’ve suffered this damned herniated disc for decades without complaint. Go get yourself a real name and come back when you’re ready to run with the big boys.

This article is outrageous…I’m through talking about it. I’m gonna go soak my sore American feet like a man and leave all you pansies out there to your iPods.